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:: Friday, April 30, 2010 ::

last post

sounds more dramatic than it is. since blogger is removing ftp support after today, i'm moving off blogger (probably to wordpress, but haven't had time to think about it). hopefully i'll have time to load my last day up with lots of posts, but in case i don't, i thought i'd let all three of you that read my blog know that it'll be changing a bit soon. (soon being a very relative term...).

bit sad, really, I've been a loyal blogger user for sometime now (just over ten years!). but change is also good for me, and moving to wordpress has been an option I've been meaning to look into for some time.

funny how this year is all about coming in and pushing me out of my comfort zone. who knew that the 30's were all about being comfy, and the 40's would be so much about agitation and change (mostly in a good way, but all very challenging).

well, here's to good agitations, great changes, and best futures...

Labels: 2010, 40, blogging, change, heartbreak, impermanence, process, struggle, web love

:: Eliza Wee 10:03:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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Endings
Last day in my old cube. My stuff (remarkably only 3 boxes and a small set of drawers) gets moved tonight. On Monday I'll be in my new cube.

Labels: 2010, change, go stay come, pizzawhirled

:: ewee 9:47:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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reentrophy

Labels: change, make, one-a-day, photos, random

:: ewee 1:39:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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39, and a dead bird near my house...
this isn't the usual birthday kinda photo, i know. and i don't mean to be morbid or macabre. and this might be a little odd, even for me, but bear with me a bit.

going back some many years--on the day when i ended my college life, and began my (so-called) adult life, and got satchmo (the perfect dog)--there was a dead bird in my path. i had just finished my last final ever (art, i think), and i was addled from lack of sleep, and so when i found the pigeon, i took it to the printmaking studio to sketch from it.

that turned into the day that i got satchmo.

so now i see these sad silent birds as a sign of endings and beginnings. kinda appropos for today. not all bad, not all good. just changing. you know?

note: turns out this is (was) a cedar waxwing, apparently not common in these parts -- thanks to jy for the info!

Labels: 39, birthday, change, satchmo

:: ewee 4:59:00 PM [+] :: 2 comments ::
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whirlwind
It's nearly 2009, and much has been neglected lately. Thinking about a little osoji tomorrow before the New Year begins.

2008 has been a good year, and I'm considering how to sum it up. Looking forward to 2009 (hello, day after tomorrow!) and hoping for good change.

So best wishes to all and good end/beginnings to all.

Labels: 2008, art, change, dogdogdog, dogs, doodle

:: ewee 2:24:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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Mandate of the ppl, yeeah!
Oakland downtown is a big party. Now just waiting on 8. At least 4 is looking ok.

Labels: change, no on h8, oaktown, obama, vote 2008

:: ewee 11:22:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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Hells yeah!

Labels: change, no on h8, oaktown, obama, vote 2008

:: ewee 8:21:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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move the world
zomg. it's here. election day. i can't stand it. of course, i'm worrying...did i do enough? (miz sy, activist in word and deed, did her part and phonebanked during all her spare moments up until yesterday).

focus is seeming impossible. it's a gorgeous crisp fall day and i'm vibrating with anxiety, hope, fear, and excitement. this election became a surprisingly personal one. surprising, because in some ways, i'm not accustomed to personal attacks within this liberal enclave that i call home (yes, thankful. no, never take it for granted). and also surprising, cuz marriage isn't the civil right that i'm most concerned about...there's people starving, winter coming with people on the streets, and in a very literal sense, people being thrown away.

and yet, people i considered part of my community are speaking out against my rights. not just voting, donating, waving signs, and telling me (in my own neighborhood!) that i'm inherently wrong, evil, lesser. dude. do they even know that sy and i aren't married? does that help? nope. in the end, it's an important object lesson--no matter how we might fit in their safe little boxes, other is other is us.

and, finally, surprising, because the level of discourse around race and gender is still so, well, backwards. never mind the fact that poc is still defined in very--literally--black and white terms. it's appalling that no matter all his qualifications, a black man is still looked upon with distrust for the color of his skin, while a white woman's lacking qualifications are overlooked...and then misappropriated as some kind of feminism.

but the other object lesson, the good one, the one i'm doing my best to feel deeply and to focus on--we are on the tipping point of change. and no matter what comes next, it will take us all (and all our momentum) to work (and work hard) to create the world we'd like to see.

so here's to change and hope and being so dang moved, i can't sit still!

Labels: change, obama, vote 2008

:: ewee 10:05:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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GObama!
Sample ballot done.

Will get up early a get to my polling place (just across the street! :)). Been so absorbed with the issues that i left the most important part till now-voting!

Labels: change, obama, vote 2008

:: ewee 10:58:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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belly palace halloween and dia los muertos
we had a good night of handing out candy and hanging out with friends. we managed to hit both the high street jello shots and the rockridge shindig and hang out with kidd rock, mj blidge and rico suavo. my costume was another cardboard and foamy number (i'm almost outta the foamy stuffs!). and since it took longer than expected, i didn't get to the piece de resistance--my pumpkin carving portrait of kehoe. (i know! i know! i can't stand it!)

not making it out to garfield park this year, but gonna do my own thing, as usual, and absorbed some good altars at the oakland museum. quite a few of the pieces were incredibly moving, and i learned how papel picado is made (gonna hafta give that a shot as soon as i can).

Labels: belly palace, change, halloween, obama, pumpkin carving, vote 2008

:: ewee 7:44:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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GOBAMA!
ok not quite right, but you know, pumpkin isn't my usual media...i know, excuses...

so i clearly didn't get the idea, cuz i ended up with sharpie all over my pumpkin (instead of only marking the parts i'd cut out). still, it was fun...what's next? (other than sleep, that is...)

yay decorating finally! now i just need a costume. right. and sleep.

Labels: change, halloween, obama, pumpkin carving, vote 2008

:: ewee 12:57:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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"Remember this..."
"Fortunately, power has a shelf life. When the time comes, maybe this mighty empire will, like others before it, overreach itself and implode from within. ...For all the endless empty chatter about democracy, today, the world is run by three of the most secretive institutions in the world: the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, and the World Trade Organization, all three of which, in turn, are dominated by the United States. ...A world run by a handful of greedy bankers and CEOs who nobody elected can't possibly last.
...

Corporate globalism--or shall we call it by its name?--Imperialism...
...

What can we do?

We can hone our memory, we can learn from our history. We can continue to build public opinion until it becomes a deafening roar.

...We can re-invent civil disobedience in a million different ways. In other words, we can come up with a million ways of becoming a collective pain in the ass.

...Our strategy should be not only to confront Empire, but to lay siege to it. To deprive it of oxygen. To shame it. To mock it. With our art, our music, our literature, our stubbornness, our joy, our brilliance, our sheer relentlessness--and our ability to tell our own stories. Stories that are different from the ones we're being brainwashed to believe.

The corporate revolution will collapse if we refuse to buy what they are selling--their ideas, their version of history, their wars, their weapons, their notion of inevitability.

Remember this: We be many and they be few. They need us more than we need them."

- From "War Talk" by Arundhati-kickass-Roy.

Labels: books, change, vote 2008

:: ewee 2:06:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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Final prez debate: THREEPEAT, baby!
bit of rose, bit of ob beer (ob, geddit? obama/biden 08, baby!), and the final debacle, ahem, debate. mclame is parroting the same lines i heard in the first debate.

obama wins on both substance and style.

tonight's memorabilia:

1. mccain's trembly finger (what was up with that? did anyone else see that?)
2. joe the frakkin plumber (what happened to joe sixpack?)
3. joe the plumber is rich *and* a symbol of obama's class warfare? (can anyone explain that to me?)
4. lilly ledbetter
5. Acorn, Ayers, repeat (yawn, and uh, what about mccain's involvement?)
6. "breast of fresh air"
7. "nuclear pants...plants" -mccain
8. "i am a free traitor" -mccain
9. "senator government" -mccain referring to obama

Labels: change, obama, vote 2008

:: ewee 11:00:00 PM [+] :: 2 comments ::
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veep debate games
Debate games at belly palace--while geeking out on twitter.

Simple rules, when the following terms are mentioned in the debate, it's one drink (or more as noted):

1. Washington outsider
2. Alaska
3. Palin talks in circles--1 drink for everytime someone says "wtf?!?" and another drink for each time the question has to be repeated
4. Anytime the effects of man on the environment were minimized (1 drink) or claimed to be nonexistence (2 drinks)
5. Each time Biden referred to himself in the third person
6. Drill baby drill
7. "Clean" coal
8. Surge (this one had to be removed to keep the bottle from being emptied too early)
9. "Ummmmm..."
10. Says a world leader's name even approximately correctly (1 drink), says a world leader's name incorrectly (2 drinks)
11. "As for..."
12. "Such as..."
13. Wasilla
14. Maverick (like #8 above, we had to eliminate this one early on)

----and my favorites of the evening----


15. O'Biden (and yes, she said it more than once...)
16. "he is the man we need to leave...lead" (Palin on McCain)

Labels: change, obama, vote 2008

:: ewee 8:59:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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creature of habit
Turns out that most nights i generally sit in the same seat on the bus home. Partly cuz in the back, it's more likely tha i won't hafta share. And i like the view of sf, alcatraz, and the ggb. But considering how much time i spend looking at my phone (got tetris?) I gotta admit the obvious: aino good wit change.

tomorrow, i'm wearing all black. ok, not all black, and i wear black all the time. but it's the end of an era, y'all.

Labels: bay area, change, commute, heartbreak, pizzawhirled

:: ewee 5:07:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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tch-tch-changes
    

Been a lotta change around here. Queers can tie the knot (even trekkies!)...get your appointment now (and remember to VOTE in the upcoming and November elections). In case you think McCain's alright, and you've been distracted by the Clinton-Obama sideshow, take a gander at why it's more important than ever that a Dem wins this year! (Not to mention peachy's *excellent* point that we don't want a Repub selecting the next Supreme Court nominee!)
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On mahwhege: So much to say, and so many feelings getting in the way. First...hurray! Queers can get hitched (again) in sf (at least till November). And second, yes, there are many many other major civil rights issues out there that need to be addressed. No, i'm not sure i'll ever get married again (i'm a romantic...but, well, let's just say, i'm certainly not expecting wedding bells before the nov election). But it is wonderful to see the joy in so many of my friends (many who are married already and/or in committed long-term relationships). happiness is a good thing.
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On werk: So, my buddy at work responded to a question of mine, and it gave me some interesting stuff to chew on. It's true that I'm in a dead-end job, with not much opportunity for growth. It wasn't ever a problem, since I was here for the people, and pizzawhirled treated me pretty alright. But the latest round of layoffs and the loss of good people have been particularly hard to take (they're never easy). And all signs are pointing toward change. Which is a good thing, as it takes a lotta signs before I buck the forces of inertia and get moving.

The bad thing is, all this change, combined with other rudimentary external forces (like over-caffeination), has elevated my already-elevated anxiety levels. Stress runs through me, leaving me wound rather tightly--I had a PT tell me once that I was basically constantly doing anaerobic exercises. Guess it's good for my muscle tone (gotta figure out a way to re-route the tension to work on my abs). So now I'm working on letting go (or if I can't let go, faking it till I make it--I am relaxed, dammit!). There's a lot of impending doom out there, but there's only so much I can do about it. And back to Ji's response, the lesson I'm working on this week is to sit with what I'm doing. If I'm drawing some kooky thing for someone, I'll draw it and move on. The response isn't the point. And maybe I don't need to push so hard on recalcitrant advertisers. If they don't care about the quality of their own ads, why should I feel any differently?

Not sure if any of that made sense, but I'm back at meditating (averaging about 8 minutes at a time) and Kajukenbo has been good for me. Not sure what it is, but I used to hate sparring, and for some reason, now it makes me smile. I was running late yesterday, so I only caught about 15 minutes of sparring (during which I was mainly a punching bag for my upper belt big sisters), but I was smiling like a fool the whole time.

Oh, and an aside. Sorry about the inconsistent capitalization and extra-spazzy-ness. I'm combining bits from a coupla jotted down drafts, so it's a bit spotty. I'll come back and whittle it down if/when I can.

Labels: change, civil rights, queer rights, vote 2008

:: ewee 4:14:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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belly palace
the movers are due in less than 8 hours, and i'm on the couch taking a geekin-out break. the dogs are snoring on the couch next to me, and sy's sneezing in the next room (also geekin-out, methinks).

tomorrow (today!) begins our life at belly palace (belle was a little too precious/disney/french for us). i can't wait, and at the same time, i can't believe this chaos will ever end. packing has exacerbated my control-freak issues (full-blown disorder, more like). and i'm unhappy to say that things are not in the state that i'd like them to be (listed, numbered, properly ordered and arranged...really, that's how i usually move!). and try as i might, i can't put it all on sy. i just didn't set aside enough time for this move. but the shiny lesson in the cloudy bit is that i just need to let go. and we're coming back to clean tomorrow, so we'll be ok.

tonight (last night, sorry, this is getting confusing. blame it on the...waitaminit, where'd i leave my coffee...?!?). hm...oh right. but so tonight, we stopped by the house and dropped off some stuff, checked the mail. brought in the trash. boring, right? nope. it made my night. we met our neighbor, her grandkids (happily squealing up and down the block), and best of all, her gorgeous lovey pitty, destiny.

and i'm much too tired to be coherent, much less bring this all together (i'll edit this later. promise). but there's something in there about belly palace, home, and destiny...

Labels: bay area, belly palace, change, go stay come, homey

:: ewee 1:27:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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whole and part
thinking on big change. on fear and love and commitment. on relationship(s). on love. on letting go, and trusting. on growth and changechange. change. and most of all, thinking about sweetness.

one's not half two. It's two are halves of one:
which halves reintegrating,shall occur
no death and any quantity;but than
all numerable mosts the actual more

minds ignorant of stern miraculous
this every truth-beware of heartless them
(given the scalpel,they dissect a kiss;
or,sold the reason,they undream a dream)

one is the song which fiends and angels sing:
all murdering lies by mortals told make two.
Let liars wilt,repaying life they're loaned;
we(by a gift called dying born)must grow

deep in dark least ourselves remembering
love only rides his year.
All lose,whole find
- e. e. cummings

Labels: bay area, change, go stay come, homey

:: ewee 1:58:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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stability junkie
[or, home as destabilizing force]

Been thinking on some things. Stay vs. Go. The usual change and adapting to it shtick...

Some people thrive on adrenalin, a friend calls it (with a gleam in his eye) evil chaos. And yes, I do need some evil chaos to remain content and engaged.

But let's be honest, I'm a stability junkie. Perhaps because I led a semi-nomadic lifestyle (unconsciously, and without any say in the matter--living in over 11 places before I was 8 years old), I find myself constantly wanting to put down roots (so much so that they exhibit in habitual tics--sitting in certain spots in chinatown, watching the flow of people; restaurants have the seats I'm accustomed to; driving becomes a set of unconscious patterns...). I love the feeling of knowing a place, of letting a place get under your skin. I thrive on the little details--the faint smell of a bakery as you whizz past, the sound of mahjohng from open second story windows in chinatown, the feel of the breeze off the bay--bringing with it the curse promise of fog. After I've lived in a place for awhile, when I close my eyes, the place still plays on the back of my eyelids. And what a place this is. We live in a postcard. Not a perfect postcard, but a real one. On Tuesday night I looked up at the Golden Gate bridge (from just beneath it!). The sky still was warm from sunset. The bridge fading into sky, and all so painterly that it made my heart ache and break for the sheer impossible beauty of it. (If only I could capture an iota of that light, that color. Aaargh!)

And now, I'm looking for a home, the ultimate in putting down roots, right? But it's actually the most destabilizing thing we've ever done. It tears down all sorts of vulnerable bits inside you--home, money, family, work, stability, risk. It's all a crazy jumble. In some ways its so loaded, how can we succeed? Better to view it as a business opportunity. But if it's so loaded, how to treat it as business? And every morning, I wake up to a panic attack--how is it that we're embarking on this huge step, with so much unknown, and so much unsaid? And at the end of the day, when I'm finally too tired and I've stopped rushing around, I can't sleep for the thoughts banging around in my head.

Whatever else it is, it's definitely not zen.

Labels: bay area, change, go stay come, homey

:: ewee 10:58:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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homey-oh-my-oh
so i made a not-very-serious, not-promise (statement of intent?) that i'd be a homeowner by age 40. i'm neither yet (phew). but have started some of the legwork, and am finding myself boggled and overwhelmed, but also exhilarated at the prospect.

we had a little meeting with a broker (whoa) and it was very illuminating. turns out that i don't have to live in a falling-down-shack, but i probably won't be returning to ess-eff to stay. but heyyyy, it's a big dang bay, and i'm really grooving on the shorts during summertime thing. so it's not sucha bad trade-off. funny thing was, the broker was asking us questions like how long we thought we'd be in a place and so on, and to paraphrase hacker, if i can afford anything in the bay, i'm thinking you'll hafta bury me in it!

in the meantime, as with all impending change, the existing sitch becomes all the more dear. so i'm finding myself wandering through chinatown, the warehouses, and the waterfront, trying to get my fill of what i'll soon have to give up. guess appreciation's always a good thing, even when it's a bit premature.

Labels: bay area, change, go stay come, homey, want

:: ewee 10:00:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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change is the new inertia
suddenly, it feels like the dotcom bust all over again. our fearless leader got the axe. and as shocking as that was, nothing really has changed. yet. if i think about it, people have been getting laid off since the beginning of my tenure here. and tho we're now closing the print end of one of our pubs, in some ways, that's nothing new in the industry.

but there is a certain tension in the air. and it's funny (funny-odd, not funny-haha) to have had experiences in both the online and print worlds. (tho honestly, i don't see the dichotomy as strongly as some. data is data. some of how it's delivered it will evolve, some will not.)

so, i've kept myself busy stalking our new leadership, and reading the so-called blogosphere on the subject. so far, i like doc searle's take on "how to save newspapers." and i especially liked borsato's concise blurb on "why newspapers matter:"

Newspaper editors make judgements on the basis of what they believe their readers want to know. Bloggers make judgements on the basis of what they themselves want to know, which necessarily limits their audience.

Newspapers provide a wider perspective that is still in high demand.

meanwhile, i'm finally getting around to [read: making time for] reading what color is your parachute?

Labels: change, pizzawhirled, web 2.0

:: ewee 4:01:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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transitional birdys
[kinda weird image, i know. but bear with me a sec...]

so, i saw this bird on the sidewalk on the way to work this (friday) morning. it was a strange and sad little moment--not sure what happened to the pigeon, but it was deader than doornail when i walked by. something about it made me stop, walk back, and take a camera photo.

at least part of it was a reminder from my graduation from college (15 years ago! and yes, i graduated, who knows how...). i'd just finished my last final ever. can't remember what it was, but i do remember leaving the building (it was big and red and relatively modern). everything was a bit surreal, as i'd just gotten through a sleepless week of finals, a huge chapter in my life was coming to a close, and the future was completely unclear. i didn't even have a place to live yet, never mind a job or anything. needless to say, i wasn't one of those graduates going on to successful $60K careers (not even close...my poor parents!).

it was in this frame of mind that i walked out and saw a dead bird. a pigeon had flown into the window and died. not sure why, but i wrapped the bird in paper, picked it up, and took it to the studio, and started an etching from it. i never finished that etching, but i still have the copper plate somewhere.

later that night, i went to the cafeteria (relax, this isn't that kinda story), and found a friend (more like a carload of friends) to drive me to pick out a puppy at someone's home. our town was small enough that there wasn't a proper pound. instead, the pound (where the lost critters went) gave me a phone number, and that number hooked up people who wanted animals with people who had too many animals. turns out that a family an hour away had a litter of puppies that needed homes. when we got there, there were 4 puppies left, and each of us gravitated toward a different pup. i don't remember much, except getting lost near a place called the lunchbox (i think), and satchmo's big belly and smushy square face of cuteness. the kids had named her satchmo, and despite having a list of names (and not knowing the first thing about jazz), the name stuck. the other puppies, stayed behind (not a bad setup: country to run in, kids, a lineoleum floor to pee on. i'm sure they all did well), and satchmo rode back with us to campus.

it was the beginning of my adult life (such as it is). and it all started with that dead bird. weird, but that's how i remember it.

Labels: change, dogdogdog, moley, noho, roadtrip2k, spring

:: ewee 4:39:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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spring, sproing, sprung
spring is (officially) here at last. march is being march, and vacillating between gorgeous summer weather, and winter rainy nonsense (and that's just in one day). but somehow that's appropriate for me. change is afoot, and i'm trying to ride it and stay positive (instead of my usual head-in-the-sand reaction).
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sweet lovechop
a coupla weeks ago, i said goodbye to baskie boy. sweet beasty lovechop. turns out that he's gotta fairly advanced (and aggressive) form of cancer, kidneys and lungs so far. it was heartbreaking and hard, at least in part because it's very much the end of an era, and part of a bigger letting go.

baskie being his stoic self, it was hard to see that anything was wrong. he's still the big lug who'll leap with amazing grace at any treat (and gulp it down with frightening alacrity). his eyes are as bright and as mischevious as always. it's his body that betrays his ailments. normally a dog fountain, now it's a struggle for him to produce even just a drop or two. when we first got there, he couldn't get up off the slippery lineoleum floor. but he was all too happy to hold court in the kitchen, wolfing down treats, and the occassional finger.

in some ways, i'd already made my peace (as much as i know how) with baskie's passing. but i was thankful for the chance to see him (with kehoe and loo) one more time.
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waltzing outrigga
made the happy connection (finally) last night about waltzing and paddling. people have been telling me for ages that the rhythm is like a waltz (ONE-two-three, ONE-two-three), and something clicked last night.

it wasn't perfect, but there were moments when everything was in alignment -- the boat paddled as one, the sunset was golden and pink and gorgeous behind the golden gate, and i was working hard enough to keep my nose running, and most of my body warm.

Labels: bask baskie dogs, change, outrigger, paddling, spring

:: ewee 12:23:00 PM [+] :: 1 comments ::
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